What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

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The only rule us 5 kids had .

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My family never makes their pension either.

What would you do if you found out that someone had broken into your home while you were sleeping?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

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Who then, do I blame.?

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

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She found it foreign!.

I will be 64.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

When she asked me how she looked .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Can I know a love story of a medical student?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

So, i spoilt her more .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

All the time i was locked up.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I was very sick at this time too.

This is soul school!.

My life is so biszare .

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I waited trembling.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Ive learnt so much.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

He resisted the act ,that day.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I have no regrets .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

So whats the point in blame.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

And i lived it daily.

But, we were locked up after school.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He knew the spot.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Put me off passion for life!!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She married twice! .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Was to survive, this bastard.

I write beautiful poetry .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Why did i forgive my father ?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She was in good health!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I couldn’t, believe it.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Comes on , in middle age.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I said to her

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I could never make a relationship work though!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I don,t even have a pension.

We were not on the streets..

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

What did i know ?

She loved him until the end.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I never cut or harmed myself..

She wouldn,t have been !

Would this be the day?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Im still living with it.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

It was going to be , some day.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I think the readers, may guess!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was scared of men, in general

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I was seconnd youngest,

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

My mum and dad in the seventies!

As i do to all so called friends.?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

But it wasn’t much.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

One cannot live in the past .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I was 9 years of age.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But ive been too sick for many years..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

We all went to grammer schools

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..